Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’

Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’

In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never meant to fire any rockets. I myself tripped up on a rocket while I was herding sheep. It was lying...

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest is an affront to all lovers of good music and taste. In all that’s holy, does anyone really think that...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

America’s Evangelical Christian community has insisted that Jesus Christ would be on board with their community’s politics which, despite some improvements, has long embraced climate change denial. “We’re confident that the Son of God and the shepherd of the world is going to be totally down with our wilful destruction of said world by supporting politicians who deny scientists’ unanimous conviction in the man-made contributions to climate change”, one spokesperson for the group said. “Firstly, obviously, the rationality of science should...

Kushner Peace Deal to Give Palestinians Trump Tower

Kushner Peace Deal to Give Palestinians Trump Tower

In what the Trump administration is calling the most generous offer yet, Jared Kushner revealed that his Middle East peace plan will give the Palestinians a Trump Tower luxury apartment building in exchange for recognizing Israel. The deal would see a 95-story Trump Tower built in downtown Ramallah, with a casino going up next to the Church of Nativity in nearby Bethlehem. The Palestinians would be required to sign a peace treaty with Israel recognizing the country as a Jewish...

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so he is...

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust

As people in Israel, and throughout the world, mark Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Memorial Day, UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn issued a touching eulogy to the thousands of Germans who saw their reputations suffer under Nazi rule. “We can never forget the terrible tragedy of Europe’s concentration camps, where innocent Germans were verbally attacked simply for doing their jobs,” Corbyn said in a heartfelt speech. “Every citizen of the world can imagine the suffering of these poor guards, scientists and...

New York Times Hires Ilhan Omar as Anti-Semitism Sensitivity Advisor

New York Times Hires Ilhan Omar as Anti-Semitism Sensitivity Advisor

Following backlash over a recent cartoon criticized as anti-Semitic, The New York Times has responded by hiring Minnesota Congresswoman Ilhan Omar to advise the paper on sensitivity towards Jewish readers. “Really, we had no idea that portraying Jews as dogs with giant noses could be viewed as offensive,” the publication said in a statement. “We decided that we need someone with an expertise in showing respect and decency towards Jews to help us avoid future cases of anti-Semitism.” The paper...

Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda

Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda

In the wake of the backlash following the publication of an allegedly anti-Semitic cartoon by the New York Times, the avowedly anti-Semitic Islamist terror group, Hamas, has issued an open invitation to the newspaper to sit on their board of propaganda. “We never thought we’d be awarding the New York Times such a prestigious role in our organization as we’ve always thought of them pretty Jew-friendly”, Hamas said in an official statement. “But then we saw this masterpiece of anti-Semitism...

Iranian Ayatollah Sends US Bill for Hair Loss Treatment

Iranian Ayatollah Sends US Bill for Hair Loss Treatment

Saying that stress from American-led sanctions has led to early-onset hair loss, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has sent the US government a $2 million bill for hair loss treatment. Khamenei sent the invoice shortly after learning that North Korea requested a similar amount for the treatment of American tourist Otto Warmbier, who died after being released from North Korean custody in a vegetative state. “Our revolutionary regime has always prided itself on running roughshod over diplomatic norms, but this...

“Saudi Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government

“Saudi Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government

A British Government spokesperson has confirmed that “nailing them up” is very much where they draw the line when it comes to what’s “cool” in international relations. “We’ve kept quiet when our Saudi friends have indulged it a bit of hand chopping. I mean come on, you’ve got two. But we did make some disgruntled noises around the beheading business. Because everyone knows that is a serious curtailer of life. To be clear it was never as terrible as when...