Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

In a radical departure on promises to move the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem President Trump announced Saturday night that he intends to move it to Mt. Gerizim instead. Located in the West Bank city of Nablus, Mt. Gerizim is the holiest place to the Samaritan people. The place they believed the temple should have been built and where, contrary to the Masoretic Text, the binding of Isaac occurred. “You know Israelis and Palestinians, great people but gotta...

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Stepping up US support for efforts to overthrow the Assad regime, the Trump administration announced that it has begun distributing paper towels to anti-government forces. The decision came after the president received praise for his response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation, showing up two weeks after the storm hit and dramatically throwing paper towels to people in hurricane relief centers. In a series of tweets on Sunday, Trump said he will look to replicate this success in other policy areas. “Everyone...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

Amidst rising controversies on US campuses over the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Students for Justice in Palestine is outreaching to its diverse students by hosting their second annual “Israel, Palestine, and Occupation Forum” this coming Friday night. Members of all faiths are welcome to participate to promote easing tensions between Christians, Jews, and Muslims by discussing modern events in Israel. Snacks and beverages will be provided followed by a PowerPoint presentation on the history of the conflict from scholars at Al Jazeera...

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

The questions usually asked whenever conflict erupts in the Middle East are, “How can we stop this?”, Who started it?” or “Again, really?” But now, some Middle East analysts are starting to ask an entirely new question: “What if everyone just ‘chilled the fuck out’?” We spoke with Ezra Goldstein, head of a Washington DC based think-tank, about where this revolutionary idea is coming from. “I think it’s really logical actually.” Goldstein explained, “Everyone loves to play the blame game...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a recent NRA advertisement “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean, things can’t be that...

What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas After All (new podcast)

What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas After All (new podcast)

With the continued violent attacks throughout the world, this week’s mass shooting in Las Vegas finally forces host Alex Giles into a ranting rage (British style, still calm and polite). Will you agree with his claim that America should adopt Israeli gun laws? Host Molly Livingstone adds her two shekels on the matter, from the American crime she knows from growing up in Los Angeles, to teenagers accessorized with guns in Jerusalem where she now raises her own children. The...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrian officials called for international intervention and condemnation of Israel for carrying out airstrikes against their favorite bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”. One Syrian soldier told The Mideast Beast, “you know after a long day, I just wanted to relax with my buddies and have a beer or a cocktail at our favorite watering hole, but now, thanks to the Jews we can’t”.  Another Syrian soldier said: “I’m really going to miss their Sarin Bombs! They were a killer, even...

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Citing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s support for “the legitimate efforts of the Kurdish people to achieve a state of their own,” Palestinian leaders say that they will again pursue statehood but instead call their country “Kurdistan II.” “After eight years of putting off serious discussions about the creation of a state, we were beginning to wonder whether Bibi believed in legitimate political rights altogether,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told The Mideast Beast. “As it turns out, it was just...

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 8 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere in history. Palestinian Ali Bin-Jamal was also quick to point out “Zionist sympathies”. He was still shaking when he recalled...