Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply

Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply

As Hezbollah is in the process of rebuilding itself in Lebanon after fighting in Syria, it is Israelis who are, more than anyone else, the most concerned. After all, the majority of marijuana imported into Israel comes from Lebanon, and Hezbollah has a serious piece of the green and sticky black business. “Look, I hate Hezbollah just as much as any of my fellow Israelis”, noted one resident from Tel Aviv. “And they should be destroyed, kind of like how...

Funny Smell in Saudi Consulate Probably Just the Drains

Funny Smell in Saudi Consulate Probably Just the Drains

Any funny smells originating from the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul are most likely to do with the terrible state of Turkish plumbing according to a spokesman for the Kingdom. “I can’t begin to tell you how many times we’ve complained to our host nation about this matter”, he expanded. “It’s becoming embarrassing. We can’t even invite any outspoken critics of the government around for a nice cup of mint tea and an open discussion where we agree to disagree, without...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change

ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change

In what the group’s leaders are calling its boldest attack to date, the Islamic State vowed to completely ignore climate change until it destroys Western civilization. In a chilling video, Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi vowed to do nothing to reduce carbon dioxide emissions despite a recent UN report warning that imminent action is needed to prevent disaster. “Unless the infidels withdraw from our holy lands, end their support for corrupt regimes and accept Islam, we will continue to...

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...

Taylor Swift to Announce Position on Syrian Civil War

Taylor Swift to Announce Position on Syrian Civil War

After finally declaring her intention to vote for Democrats in the 2018 midterms, crossover pop and country star Taylor Swift is expected to shortly announce which side she supports in Syria’s civil war. “In the past I have been reluctant to publicly voice my opinion on Middle Eastern politics, but due to several events in my life and in the Arab world, I feel very differently now,” Swift said in an Instagram post. “I will soon announce who I plan...

ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance

ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance

After drawing intense criticism for blocking traffic in Portland, Oregon and attacking an elderly man, the left-wing Antifa organization has agreed to attend training sessions on civil governance led by the Islamist militant group ISIS. “While mercilessly attacking your critics, inflicting random acts of violence and terrorizing innocent civilians is a great start, it is not a long-term strategy,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Eventually, the population will turn against you and team up with the Turks and Kurdish...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, still too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders...

Kavanaugh Buddy Bashar al-Assad Curious Why FBI Didn’t Contact Him

Kavanaugh Buddy Bashar al-Assad Curious Why FBI Didn’t Contact Him

Bashar al-Assad, the Syrian president and a longtime drinking buddy of recently-confirmed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, said he was surprised that the FBI did not interview him during its investigation of the nominee. “When I heard about the FBI investigation, I made a whole list of hilarious stories of the times we got blackout drunk, abused women and committed crimes against humanity together,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “But no one from the bureau would even return my calls....

Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says

Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says

With the rise of groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of scotch, single malt of course. “It’s natural that Islam is facing things that all religions go through as they reach...

Solving the Israel-Palestinian Conflict with ‘Feelings’ and Safe Spaces

Solving the Israel-Palestinian Conflict with ‘Feelings’ and Safe Spaces

One of the most influential political actors in the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has declared, much to the despair of the international community, that his political decision-making is based off his own ‘feeling’ and that he doesn’t consult anyone else. In a statement that sent onlookers into a panicked frenzy, Trump announced that he does, in fact, have feelings and that “I like two-state solution…that’s my feeling. And I have the best feelings.” According to the director of the newly-created Global Safe...