Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers

Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers

Yoni Hertzelshtein and Yusuf Habibi, have yet again had their morning cigarette break interrupted by a colleague wanting to understand ‘all that crazy stuff happening over there’. The pair, who work in the marketing department for Tampon manufacturer Kimberly-Clark, explained this is not a unique occurrence. “When things are really kicking off we can expect inane questions at any time of the day. We can start off a meeting talking about how we plan to promote our newest heavy-flow super-absorbent...

Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace

Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace

International peace efforts for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict were recently given a boost by the introduction of bacon sandwiches to the breakfast buffet in Cairo. Dore Steinwitz, professional Israeli apologist, commented, “these are mental! Why did no one ever tell me about these before? I admit that since the invention of the refrigerator, I’ve been a little hazy on the need for the ‘no pig’ rules. But I never realized how batshit crazy they tasted. To be honest I’d be willing to open...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Trump Says He’ll Lift Sanctions if Iran Keeps Farrakhan

Trump Says He’ll Lift Sanctions if Iran Keeps Farrakhan

Offering the ayatollahs what he called the “ultimate deal,” US President Donald Trump has offered to lift all sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran if they agree to keep Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. Farrakhan, who is visiting Iran, made headlines for leading a “Death to America” chant during his visit. Though Trump had previously promised to ratchet up sanctions, he is now willing to end his efforts to isolate the country in order to be rid of...

Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns

Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns

In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan soon followed suit. “Potential terrorists can hide weapons or explosives in these man buns, putting innocent lives at risk,” Iranian President Hassan...

Freed Saudi Prince Disputes Minibar Bill

Freed Saudi Prince Disputes Minibar Bill

Prince Khaled bin Talal is locked in a war of words with the Riyadh Ritz-Carlton over minibar charges which he says have nothing to do with him. A spokesman for the Prince stated, “He’s been pretty chill about being locked up by his nephew for the last year on pretty ambiguous ‘corruption’ charges. But this is a step too far. He is adamant that he never touched those mini-sized bottles of soft drinks, the pretzels or packets of M&Ms. I...

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp

ISRAEL — In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. I figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed, a Palestinian camper, saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m...

Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation over his support for US President Donald Trump. “Aggrieved young men from middle class backgrounds who are insecure about their masculinity,...

Saudis Claim Khashoggi Was Hillary in a Wig

Saudis Claim Khashoggi Was Hillary in a Wig

In the latest of a string of increasingly desperate calls to the White House, Crown Prince bin Salman has claimed that the reporter known as ‘Jamal Khashoggi’ was in fact former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, acting out an elaborate deep state, Soros led, black-op to cause a division in the US-Saudi relationship. A spokesman for the Prince commented, “So to be honest we were running out of options. Even John Bolton wasn’t buying that Kamal was a dangerous radical...

Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish targets and small pebbles referencing the rocks thrown at Israeli tanks and cars. “Alongside all those nutty chunks, this pint packs a powerful message under...

“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits

“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits

HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one of God’s senior advisors told The Mideast Beast. “At this point, God’s goal is simply to preserve the possibility of a...