Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Saying that it needed to shake things up after three decades of fighting for a Palestinian state, the militant Islamist group Hamas announced that it will relocate to Puerto Rico and spend an undisclosed period of time fighting for statehood in the US territory. “Listen, we love the Palestinian people and are committed to creating an Islamic state in all of Palestine, but thirty years is a long time to spend in the Middle East,” said one senior commander for...

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

The true story behind the photo of Trump touching a mysterious crystal-ball-esque object in Saudi Arabia has finally been revealed. According to Saudi Arabian sources, Donald Trump officially created his seventh and final Horcrux by tearing apart yet another fragment of his soul and placing it in a silvery orb in Riyadh. Eyewitness accounts report that after Trump split his soul he cast a mediocre Obliviate charm on all those present, but unfortunately for him, it wore off this week....

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Griffin’s ISIS and the Gays’ Israel

Griffin’s ISIS and the Gays’ Israel

TMB Co-hosts Alex Giles and Molly Livingstone discuss comedian Kathy Griffin’s ISIS beheading shot of President Trump and other Trumptire (Trump satire) that is only too real. And what makes Tel Aviv one of the most gay-friendly cities in the world? Find out in this exclusive interview with Israeli Gay Rights Activist Sarah Weil. Click here. If you missed last week’s pilot episode about “Trump’s Middle Eastern Vacation,” including the details of his trip to the Holocaust Museum click here....

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Inspired by the success of last Friday’s Tel-Aviv Pride Parade, closeted terrorists throughout the Middle East have decided to unite and show their true colors by establishing a new pan-Arab LGBTQ+ terror organization. “At first, we were afraid we would get our heads chopped off, or worse, our dicks. However, our long-standing suspicion that there is a large population of gay terrorists throughout the region turned out to be correct,” commented one representative of the group, who identifies as a...

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

After more than 100 years of bloodshed, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict ended abruptly the other day after Lebanon and Tunisia banned the screening of the movie Wonder Woman, which features an Israeli actress in the iconic role. When Lebanon revealed that it had banned the film, Israeli PM Netanyahu called for all armed forces to retreat from the West Bank immediately and end the siege on Gaza. Thousands of ultra-nationalist religious settlers then decided to donate their homes to Palestinian refugees...

Following Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

Following Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and we’ve always been strong and hard in our thrusts in aiming for those rights, always standing erect with pride and never...

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Sam Schwartzman, a Jewish Long Island resident, announced today that he has finally thought of the perfect response to a July 2014 Facebook comment criticizing Israel for its actions during that summer’s war in Gaza. The comment, posted by 31-year-old poet and waiter Rob Erikson, was the 132nd in a long series of comments responding to a Wall Street Journal editorial a mutual friend had posted defending Israel’s actions during the war. The thread quickly turned into a vicious argument...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during today’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two of...

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than British Opposition Leader, Jeremy Corbyn and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Egyptian security forces are taking out their frustrations on Mexican tourists. So with all that in mind we don’t consider the ramblings of some old socialist to...

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Mideast leaders have today breathed a collective sigh of relief on knowing that the Yanks are back! Yes, just when you thought you would all have to sort your own shit out through “diplomacy”, the good ol’ U.S. of A is taking things back ‘old school’ with some 21,000 pound negotiating, as well as re-re-re-training the Iraqi Army, and like four or five Syrian rebels. David Itay, Professor of International Dabbling and Meddling at the University of Tel Aviv was thrilled, “we’ve all...