IDF to transfer Palestinian Sewage System to Terror Tunnels

IDF to transfer Palestinian Sewage System to Terror Tunnels

In an amicable gesture of peace and cooperation, Prime Minister Netanyahu is expected to announce the transfer of all Palestinian civilian sewage responsibility directly to Hamas’ expertly engineered terror tunnels. This olive branch, a giant leap forward in Israeli-Palestinian relations, seeks to mimic the same working relationship that Israel shares with Jordan. Netanyahu’s office released a supportive message on the matter: “It is important for Hamas to develop a strong sense of self-sustainability. What better way to promote a job...

Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views

Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views

Hamas leaders in Gaza have called off protests against the opening of the US Embassy in Jerusalem after discovering that Pastor Robert Jeffress, who delivered the opening prayer, held similar beliefs to the terror group. “This guy has said that Jews are going to hell, that Hitler was sent by God, and that the Holy Land should never be divided,” Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh told The Mideast Beast. “I can’t believe that we were ever fighting.” After reading about Jeffress’s...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
BBC Mistakenly Publishes Video About Israeli Eurovision Winner Despite Occupation

BBC Mistakenly Publishes Video About Israeli Eurovision Winner Despite Occupation

The Israeli winner of the 2018 Eurovision contest has been riling up quite the media frenzy- not because of her weight, culturally appropriated performance, or raunchy feminist message. The BBC has mistakenly produced a video of the Israeli singer after her Eurovision win this weekend, which left out the vital messages of oppression of Palestinians and destruction of their homeland by Israelis. The BBC clarified their stance on accusations of anti-Semitism in the wake of the video: “Although we cannot...

Liberal American Jewish Groups: No Room in the Peace Process for New Ideas

Liberal American Jewish Groups: No Room in the Peace Process for New Ideas

Since President Donald Trump’s confirmation of Jerusalem as the Capital of the State of Israel, with the new US Embassy opening today, many liberal Jewish groups in the US have stated that they do not support the President’s position; chief among them is J Street, the political organization that describes itself as “the political home for pro-peace people who don’t live in any danger of rockets or terrorism.” In a statement, J Street’s Executive Director Jeremy Ben Ami said that the...

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately.  All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah.  “The Islamic State is committing all its resources to the defeat of climate change.” Mr. da-Mullah then drew his scimitar and...

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

A recently resurfaced interview from 2015 with hip-hop mogul DJ Khaled has sent shockwaves through the feminist community, particularly with organizers of the Women’s March who are convinced that all Arab men honor and respect their wives. Khaled, still not entirely sure why reciprocity in a relationship means performing oral sex, stands by his statement that “there are different rules for men”. His lack of actual talent did not deter the DJ from making comments on how women should, or should...

From Stoned to Scotch: Sarah Tuttle-Singer Gets Real About Israel (New TMB Podcast!)

From Stoned to Scotch: Sarah Tuttle-Singer Gets Real About Israel (New TMB Podcast!)

On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone digs in and deep (that’s what she said) with blogger and author of Jerusalem, Drawn and Quartered, Sarah Tuttle-Singer. Sarah shares her intimate moments, struggles, scotch and thoughts on the complicated Middle East, Israel and her time spent as an interloper in the Old City of Jerusalem. Girlfriend doesn’t hold anything back. Legit, there’s even a moment of karaoke. Jerusalem, Drawn and Quartered The Mideast Beast podcasts are available on iTunes...

Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”

Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”

Speaking to The Mideast Beast, al-Qaeda has confirmed that they are absolutely, positively not doing anything these days. Muhammad Babaganoush al-Sadiki, an al-Qaeda commander in Syria, commented, “Nope, not really up to anything these days. Just farming, and chilling, and not raising money or making chemical weapons. Expand into India? That’s crazy. What would we be doing in Yemen? We’ve never even been to North Africa! And don’t worry, we’re also definitely not putting aside our religious beliefs to work with...

Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up

Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) is reportedly giddy with excitement that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is putting on its big boy shoes and coming out to play. As rockets rained down on the Golan Heights, soldiers were seen high-fiving each other whilst applying ‘Next Stop Tehran’ stickers to the turrets of their tanks. A senior officer commented, “We’ve checked Google Maps this morning, and it seems a pretty straight forward route. We anticipate some delays around the Baghdad ring road, but only...

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

The American Left has lost its pre-eminent thinker, as The Atlantic national correspondent Ta-Nehisi Coates has been discovered to be a Russian bot programmed to write 10,000-word essays tying the day’s lead news item to slavery and segregation. “It was quite simple, really,” Alexei Sokolov, a 26-year-old programmer from Novosibirsk, told The Mideast Beast. “We just programmed 15,000 pages of Howard Zinn books into the bot, and trained it to plug in the day’s top trending topic using the linguistic...