2016 US Presidential Election

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

President Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I mean, how brave do you need to be to get shot in the face? It’s not like she caught the bullet in her teeth –...

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him

MANHATTAN — Saying he had stayed silent for years out of shame, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accused Donald Trump of groping him and making unwanted sexual advances more than a decade ago. “I was alone with Mr. Trump at a rally against the Iraq war in 2003 when he just grabbed me,” said a tearful al-Baghdadi. “I always blamed myself.” Trump immediately denied al-Baghdadi’s claim. “Just look at him,” Trump noted. “I mean, his beard is awful. He’s balding. He’s...

Syrians Outraged Over Russia’s Meddling in US Elections

Syrians Outraged Over Russia’s Meddling in US Elections

Saying that they just couldn’t believe that Russia would meddle in another country’s affairs, Syrian residents are shocked and outraged over reports from U.S. intelligence agencies concluding that Russia interfered in the American elections on behalf of President-Elect Donald Trump. “I just cannot imagine that [Russian President Vladimir] Putin would have anything but total respect for a country’s domestic political process,” one Aleppo resident told The Mideast Beast. “It must be very difficult for Americans to accept that their president...

Trump Appeals to the Religious Right by Claiming to be Jesus

Trump Appeals to the Religious Right by Claiming to be Jesus

TRUMP TOWER, NYC — Donald Trump had been making conservative Christians very uneasy. The religious right, who historically have supported Republican presidents, have found it difficult to politically back someone as liberal as Donald Trump. Struggling to find “a relationship with Christ“, and thus a way to connect to Christians, Trump apparently found the solution: he announced yesterday that he is, in fact, the son of God and this is his second coming. While initially the statement received backlash from conservative preachers,...

In Policy Win for Trump, Muslims Unanimously Accept Muslim Ban

In Policy Win for Trump, Muslims Unanimously Accept Muslim Ban

ABU DHABI — In what can be considered vindication for President-elect Donald Trump on one of his most controversial proposals, Muslims from across the Middle East and beyond have unanimously signed off Trump’s plan to ban Muslims from entering the country. “While there’s been much made of President Trump’s promise to ban Muslims and the impact it will have on our community, I would like to assure the American people that we’re all totally cool with it,” the head of...

Iran Offers to Help With US Election Recount

Iran Offers to Help With US Election Recount

Iranian President Rouhani has offered to help the Stein campaign with its efforts to hold ballot recounts in the states of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan, sources say. Iran is, understandably, gravely disappointed at the prospect of a Trump presidency and the possible dismantlement of the nuclear deal. “The Iranian people see eye to eye with moderate America in our disdain at the election results and fear of what is to come,” Rouhani stated. “Iranian-American relations could have had a bright,...

President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount

President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount

The Syrian president and barrel bomb fanatic (gawky guy on the right) has claimed today that 500,000 people voted illegally in his 2014 sweeping election win. “Serious election irregularities have been brought to my attention regarding widespread voting fraud two years ago. Personally, this doesn’t come as a surprise as I could never understand why half a million people would think it was a good idea to vote against me.” “If Trump can be brave enough to speak out when...

Egyptian and Syrian Secret Police Call to Congratulate FBI Director Comey on Election Victory

Egyptian and Syrian Secret Police Call to Congratulate FBI Director Comey on Election Victory

A source inside the FBI has confirmed to The Mideast Beast that, following the election results last week, FBI director James Comey received several calls of congratulations on the successful manipulation of the U.S. elections from the heads of secret police agencies from around the world. First to call was the Egyptian Mukhābarāt (secret police), responsible for the brutal suppression of dissent and freedom of expression in Egypt, and for single handedly making Ray Bans cool across the region again....

All Violence Stops in the Middle East as Everyone Asks, “What the Fuck Just Happened in the U.S.?”

All Violence Stops in the Middle East as Everyone Asks, “What the Fuck Just Happened in the U.S.?”

Shortly after 4am, Syrian government forces in west Aleppo crossed over into the rebel-held east, bearing cigarettes and coffee. Fighters from both sides were seen sitting in small circles smoking and staring into the middle distance with some placing a comforting arm around their former foes’ shoulders. Simultaneously over Yemen, Saudi warplanes dropped food and medical supplies with the note “Hey guys, look we’re sorry things just got out of control. Let’s get your people and our people to meet...

ISIS Announces: ‘Our Work Here is Done’

ISIS Announces: ‘Our Work Here is Done’

Calling it “the culmination of everything we’ve worked for all these years,” a teary-eyed Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that ISIS had completed its mission of bringing around the end of Western Civilization. At ISIS headquarters in Raqqa, supporters were celebrating well into Wednesday morning, with a “Mission Accomplished” banner hanging in the background. Ignoring the Muslim ban on alcohol, fighters were spraying each other with champagne. “I knew that eventually, with hard work, we could bring about the destruction...

Afghanistan to Welcome American Refugees

Afghanistan to Welcome American Refugees

The president of Afghanistan has announced that he will be opening his country’s borders to American refugees should Trump become the President Elect on Tuesday. The Afghan representative to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees has assessed that at least three million Americans are planning to flee immediately following a Trump win. Preparations are being made to receive them by the end of the week, with each family receiving a modest six-month stipend, two goats, a Quran and a...

ISIS Sleeper Agents in the US Prefer Clinton to Trump According to New Poll

ISIS Sleeper Agents in the US Prefer Clinton to Trump According to New Poll

A new poll shows the overwhelming majority of ISIS sleeper agents in the United States prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election. The first-time survey on the political positions of covert agents of the Islamic State currently residing in the US, as well as agents planted in refugee populations destined for the US, indicate that they prefer the Democratic nominee for president. Asked why they preferred Clinton to Trump, one stated: “I think she speaks to my...

Al-Qaeda Leader Welcomes Drone Strikes to Avoid Being Subjected to More Election Coverage

Al-Qaeda Leader Welcomes Drone Strikes to Avoid Being Subjected to More Election Coverage

Reports from Afghanistan suggest that senior Al-Qaeda leadership are running out into fields waving red flags and waiting for the sweet release of death to avoid any more 24-news coverage of the US presidential election. A spokesman for the group said; “On reflection, it was a mistake to sign up for the full news package from Al Jazeera. We should have stuck to YouTube videos of suicide bombers from Syria and those cats that attack toddlers.” He continued; “It’s not...

Yemen is Looking Forward to November 9th

Yemen is Looking Forward to November 9th

With just a few days to go until “The Coming of the Nameless One Who Has Sapped the Energy From Every Single Human Being Over the Past Six Months” – or the U.S. presidential elections as some people still insist on calling it – the people of Yemen are looking forward to regaining their place at the forefront of the world’s attention. One resident of Yemen’s capital city, Ahmed Jabal, commented; “We all appreciate how global attention may have been distracted by events...

After Melania Comes Out Against Cyber-Bullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

After Melania Comes Out Against Cyber-Bullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted. “We have to find a better way to respect religious differences without turning to hatred or prejudice.” Braun announced that she would launch a tour of Middle Eastern countries in...

ISIS Launches Operation ‘Wait and See’ Against US

ISIS Launches Operation ‘Wait and See’ Against US

ISIS has announced the launch of Operation ‘Wait and See’ against the United States, as the terrorist group plans to “sit back and just kind of see how things play out” for the next three or four days. “It feels a little bit silly to be plotting attacks that will maybe kill 15 to 20 Americans when the country is likely days away from imploding in a fiery inferno,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi noted. “As they say in the Arab...

Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder

Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder

NEW HAMPSHIRE — At his most recent rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump dropped a bombshell that has the general public scared, confused and shocked. “Folks, it seems that creating the most violent terrorist organization in the world was not enough for Obama and Crooked Hillary, and nor is the current “reinvestigation” by the FBI into Clinton’s emails. No, something far more nefarious is going on in the Democratic Party,” the Republican nominee told an enraptured crowd of supporters hanging on to...

ISIS to Trump: “Could You Please Stop Giving Obama and Hillary All of the Credit for Our Work?!”

ISIS to Trump: “Could You Please Stop Giving Obama and Hillary All of the Credit for Our Work?!”

IRAQ — In the most egregious case of laughably misplaced credit since Kylie Jenner claimed to have invented wigs, Donald Trump, as everyone now knows, has called President Obama and Hillary Clinton the “founder and co-founder” of the Islamic State. Unsurprisingly, ISIS was appalled at this assertion. “Ugh, I knew this would happen.  Fucking knew it!” said ISIS leader Abu-Bakr Al-Baghdadi. “We took that whole “pics or it didn’t happen” phrase very literally, because invariably there’s always some asshole out there...

Israeli Army to Invade U.S., Build Security Wall Around Oval Office if Trump Wins

Israeli Army to Invade U.S., Build Security Wall Around Oval Office if Trump Wins

JERUSALEM – With two weeks left until the new president of the United States is elected, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is already formulating a strategy of containment for the off chance that Donald Trump wins. “Everyone thought we had it bad over the last eight years with a communist Muslim in the White House. Although, in retrospect, he actually was good to us. But Trump? We simply cannot take the chance of a President who will receive his security...

Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion

Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion

According to the psychic who relayed the story of an irate ISIS suicide bomber who contracted STDs in heaven, the late Mary MacLeod Trump regrets having her fourth child, Donald, on account of his “campaign of contagious hate.” “Mary is heartbroken that her son is spreading so much bigotry down here on earth,” alleges Shanti Shapiro, regarded as California’s premier clairvoyant. “With each racist, misogynistic and otherwise malicious remark, she dies another death,” Shapiro recounts, referring to the Republican U.S....